I Can’t

My friends would say “Hey come out with us tonight!”
And I would say, Oh I can’t. I’ve got plans with my boyfriend tonight. But next time!
Oh, I can’t. He couldn’t make it last night so he’s coming over tonight. But I’ll be there next time.
Or I can’t, he rescheduled again. He says he owes me dinner though. So I’ll come next time. 
Or I can’t, I have to go pick him up, cause he said he’s had a few too many and can’t drive.

I can’t because I’m waiting for him again.
I can’t because he’s changed his mind last minute again.
I can’t because he’s lying to me again.
I can’t because he’s using again. He said he needs me to help him through his recovery.
I can’t because when he’s broken I’m the only one there holding him together with tape and glue.
I can’t because when the glue has dried and the tape has set, he goes on with his life without me.
I can’t because he calls me his angel but, won’t let me into his heaven.
I can’t because I’m trying to mediate between him and his own personal hell.
I can’t because his hell has become my hell.
I can’t because I’m crumbling under the weight of holding him up alone.
I can’t because when he tells me he loves me, I believe that he believes it.
I can’t because I’m waiting for broken promises to mend themselves.
I can’t because I am destroying myself for this.

I can’t
I can’t do this anymore
I can’t

But. Next time.

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