A guide to being a responsible functioning adult.

Step One: Shirk all responsibilities.

Step Two: Tell yourself that you’re not going to blow off your responsibilities. You’re just going to do them tomorrow.

Step Three: Don’t do them tomorrow.

Step Four: Make excuses.business final

Step Five: While reviewing your to-do list, curl up into the fetal position and cry. It’s recommended to have a bottle of wine on reserve for this step. Cookies, cake and, ice cream are also acceptable.

Step Six: Contemplate moving back in with your parents.

Step Seven: Make more excuses.

Step Eight: Drink an excessive amount of coffee and DO EVERYTHING! All at once! Just bulldozer your way through it. It doesn’t have to be good, it just has to be finished.

Step Nine: Take a stress nap.

Step Ten: Repeat steps one through nine until retirement. Once completed you can celebrate by being put in a nursing home! Then, and only then, is when you get to recover from losing all sense of mental stability. You’ll have the time to reflect on your childhood, and all the times you couldn’t wait to be a grown-up.

Stupid kid.

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